life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Randomize
