somebody snuck up and got me drunk
I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
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