i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
he was CRYING into my vagina
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
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