ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize
