Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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