'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
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