I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Randomize
