Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
it was a shit show
We all have our days. But yours might be on the internet.
would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
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