i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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