There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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