The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Randomize
