Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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