dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
