Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
Randomize
