Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
she's telling me all about the love triangles of her sims. you tell me how it's going.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Randomize
