In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize
