If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
