it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Randomize
