Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
ok this is the part where i go up stairs and pass out incoherently untill 6 30 tommaorw morning and not rember any of this. love youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
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