My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
