Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Woo Hoo! Just saw Asian kids with rocker mullets. Tried to get a picture on my phone, but you know how those ninjas are.
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
