I hope my theory books are in my locker, but if not, I guess I can always share with you.
Who said I want to share with you?
You've sucked my dick, I'm pretty sure you don't care if I look at your theory book.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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