was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Randomize
