I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
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