dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Randomize
