How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
Life without a bra equals bliss.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
