Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
