He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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