hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
