i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Randomize
