my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
Randomize
