could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
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