i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Randomize
