we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Randomize
