i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
