I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
I think i morst likely have 95 %patulas for hands and probably i also went to eGypt with so manyfriends. We laids in the sarcaphoguses.
You sound pretty unsure about all of this.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Randomize
