smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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