Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
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