Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
Randomize
