She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize
