Just cropdusted the office
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
Terrible. Enormous nipples with a small ring of boob on the outside. It looked like a tittie eclipse
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
3some
You're right, stupid question.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
