Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
Randomize
