Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Randomize
