She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Randomize
