The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
Randomize