I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
