I cannot find my penis.
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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