she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
what day is it and did you see me today?
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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