I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
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