My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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