ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Randomize
