Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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