I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
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