Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
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