i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
Randomize
