i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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