i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
I need to sanitize my soul.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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