there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
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