Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
Idk. We dropped acid and Kevin ran away again. We didn't find him for like 3 hours.
Man I wish I had been there
Yah we found him in the pool shed of some elderly couple. They were on the porch watching all of the shenanigans. ...To be young again.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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