I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Randomize
