I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
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