i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
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