My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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