Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
