I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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