you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
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